Reality's thoughts
by Anddeaa
Summary: A series of one shots from Tobias's POV after Allegiant. They will be important for my main story, Until the world fades away.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: First things first. Allegiant spoilers.

Hello there. Here I'll be writing different one shots about Tobias's life after Allegiant. The won't be in any order or anything. Some may happened even before the epilogue, some after. All that I am saying is that these will have a lot to do with my actual story, _Until the world fades away_. You can read these one-shots before the story if you haven't read it yet, or after. How you like it. I'm doing this because:

1. I love Tobias and I want to write from his POV.

2. I don't want my main story to include other POV's apart from Tris's and I still need the characters to have a story behind their actions. It's not like they don't already have, but I need stories from their life after Tris's death. I need them to have a good background. I need their feelings to come from somewhere. And I need them to be motivated by something. Something other that what already happened in the books. I may write some other short one shots from other characters' POV's. But not here. Here all of them will be from Tobias's.

They won't have any chapter names. I'll just count them but count them. Don't mistake the number of the chapter with the order you should read it. You can read the POV's whatever order you'd like. That's when I'll write some more.

* * *

1.

It's been years since I last saw _her_. Years since I have seen her pretty face, her bright eyes, her blond hair. The memories don't hurt like they used to. I don't remember them all that clearly like they happened yesterday. Because they _didn't_. The only thing that I can remember is her face. And I always try not to because it hurts. What hurts the most is that we don't celebrate her birthday. We gather on the day she had died and we always end up drinking too much because we all remember her. We all remember that in a way or another we have hurt her and yet, she gave her life for us to be here, alive and _well_. But we are not well. I am not well. I tried to and I gave up.

The day we spread her ashes was supposed to make me feel better. But it didn't. It actually made me feel _worse_. Because I have left behind the only thing that I had left of her. I sometimes wonder how my life - _our_ life - would be if she were to be alive. Would we still be together? Would we start a family, our own family? I think the answers to both these questions are yes. At least in my opinion as I am still in love with her, even if I haven't seen her in five years. No, not five years. Not yet. _Tomorrow_ it'll be the anniversary to her death. To _our_ death as a part of me has died along with her that horrible day.

The worst part ever? I don't have a picture of her. It's not like I don't know anymore how she looked. I still know every little detail. But I want to touch something and I can't touch with my own imagination. I want to speak to her and I can't do it without something, an object, that belonged to her, that had her beautiful face engraved on it. It's not like I don't talk to her. I still do it. But not out loud.

Tomorrow.

Anniversary.

Those two words make their way again, and again, and _again_ in my mind. And all I'm doing right now is sitting here, at a local bar that has opened a few months ago - or was it an year ago? - drinking some kind of alcohol, and praying that I will see her.

I have loved her.

I _still_ love her.

And I will _always_ love her.

It's funny how a person can change your way of thinking and of living. It's even funnier how that person does it when she's gone and she will never return to you.

All you are left with are the memories that hurt or that just make you wish you should have done something else instead of what you actually did.

All you are left with is the hope that you may see her sometime, and that you'll have a long and happy life. A life that will make for the pain in this one.

And right now all I ever want is to have another chance, another _life_. Because I know that I will find her then and I'll make sure to protect her. To care for her. To _love_ her.

I need her so much. I need to feel her scent, I need to see her face, to read in her beautiful, mesmerizing eyes, to touch her soft skin, to linger a little longer in our kiss. To hold her hand. To wake up next to her and be happy that we have yet another day to get to spend together. To touch her, to feel her. To hold her in my arms.

I have to be honest. I can't say I need her for just only a few minutes, for just only an hour, for only a day. No. I am _selfish_. I need her for the_ rest_ of my life. I can't deal with this kind of pain. The only thing that keeps me going is how she would have wanted me to live my life. The only thing that keeps me here, right now aren't my friends. No. It is just the fact that I want to be sure the history won't repeat itself.

Because I don't see any good aspects left in life anymore. Not without her. And soon, when I'll be done with all my work here, I'll be done with everything here. My life included. I just can't take the pain anymore. But still, it's what keeps me going on. It's strange to feel this way.

I am twenty two years. At this age, if I were still in Abnegation, I would have been married and had children.

And honestly, if she were alive, I would have loved to have this life. Because we would have been together.

If somebody would have told me that I - Tobias Eaton. Four - would have fallen in love, a few years ago, I would have laughed in his face. Because I didn't believe in love. Not with what I have seen in my house during my childhood. And yet I did fall. And I fell_ hard_. So hard that the impact still hurts even now. You know, falling in love is supposed to feel good. That's what I usually heard. That's what everyone says. But they don't tell you one thing. That it fells good while you're still falling, holding onto that person. And that sometime you fall for the rest of your life. But other times, you just hit the ground - the ground called _reality_. And you know what they say about reality. That it always hurts.

And here I am.

Drinking my fifth - or maybe sixth - shot of beer. Or maybe I'm even further than this. I can't remember.

And I'm thinking about love.

And it's philosophy.

Who would have thought that I will do something like this?

But more than anything, I'm still praying that I'll _get_ a _second chance_.

* * *

A/N:

Done. Hope you enjoyed it and if you did,please leave your thoughts. You can leave your thoughts even if you didn't like it because I would love to know where I went wrong with the chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Yees, here is another one. I kind of like to write from his POV. This one takes place a few more years later than the other one. This idea just pooped up in my mind last night and I couldn't help myself but to write it down. Hope you like it and please let me know what you thought about it. I would like to know so I can improve my writing.

* * *

2.

"I present you Four, your very new _leader_."

As I heard the introduction, I started to walk to the stage. There are people who are watching me, people who have known me for my entire life, or most if it, people who have heard of me even before, and there are people who have just found out about me after I started to be Johanna's right hand. I look at them emotionless. I don't want them to look at me and see as a broken teenager. Because that's not what I am. At least not_ anymore_, not in front of them.

"Good evening." I say using the microphone. "I think the presentation wasn't really fit for me so I'm just going to let you know a few aspects." I add as I start walking around the stage, not facing the people. In the past years I have learned how not to let people see my fears and my broken sides. That is not something you want to show to the people you need to lead.

"I am your new leader for a short amount of time."

This statement brings a lot of voices from the crowd that have gathered around the stage.

"I'll lead you for a short amount of time. I'll just make sure that you will follow all the rules that our city has implied during the last years."

In the crowd I can see familiar faces. I turn away from them because I don't want my expression to change. And if I dare to look at them it will change.

"Do not look at me as you do when you look at a leader. Do not look at me as you do when you look at a friend. Look at me like you don't know me, yet you know the rules you are meant to follow. Because those rules were made for our city to become a better one. I am only here to let you know that those rules were founded because years ago a lot of people traded blood for us now to know how we should be today."

As I finish my speech, I leave the stage and the crowd that had started to yell, saying that they are going to follow the rules.

* * *

"Four!" I hear my name from behind and when I turn I see a woman with dark brown hair that reaches her mid back. She's running towards me with a smile on her face. "Great speech." she says as she now stands in front of me. "Made me remember how cool my instructor was. Maybe you have heard of him." she says as we start walking, starting to laugh a little. "You know, at first I thought he was just the type of person who would bitch all day, but then I came to know him for who he was."

I roll my eyes at her words. "I'm glad I made such a good impression to you, Christina." I say in a sarcastic tone. She only starts laughing and I can't help but smirk a little. We've been like this since I lost _her_. We've become close friends and she knows how to make me feel good, make me remember who I really am, even in the moments that I forget myself. That's what Christina is here for. I don't know what I would have done all these years without her. I don't know what I would have done if she didn't stop me from taking the memory serum.

"So, mind telling me why you want to be our leader for only a short amount of time?" she asks in a monotone tone. I look at her but I can't seem to understand her expression as she is looking forwards, not daring to look at me.

"It's just how I said. I just want to be sure they will follow the rules. I don't want to be in this position for a long time."

And it is the truth. I want them to know that for these rules people gave their lives. It is true that those people may not have know this by that time, but without them we wouldn't be here today, in our city that has grown to be a very good place to stay for everybody.

"You know, she would have been happy for you. Actually, I think that she is happy for you." she says and I can sense how hard for her is to say those words. Even after all these years. It's been twelve years since she died. I can't believe that I am a grown up man and that I am the leader of Chicago. Not to mention that I am all alone, every night dreaming about the beautiful girl that has come to know me and love me for who I was. The beautiful girl that has given up her life for the sake of others. And even now, I can feel pain. It's true, it isn't as hard as it was a few years ago, but still, I can feel a horrible pain in my chest. It's like everytime I think of her something inside me dies. That's why I try to think about her only when I'm alone and only when I'm in my apartment because that's the only place I can feel good for remembering her. Strange, isn't it?

I take from my pocket a packet of cigarettes and lighten one as I feel the smoke burning my lungs. I've been smoking for years now. Smoking and drinking. I know that these aren't really good ways to deal with your past, but when you think about losing the important person of your life, you try to do something to make you feel sane.

"How was your date?" I ask Christina as I inhale yet again the deadly smoke.

"Horrible. We went to the restaurant but we stayed there for only an hour. He just wasn't like..."

She doesn't end the line but I know what she's going to say anyway. That's when we reach her block and stop in front of each other.

"You know, if you're looking in every man for him, you'll end up alone." I say in an as a mater of fact tone, still smoking my cigarette.

"Look who's talking. At least I'm trying to make my life, while you haven't dated a girl since _her_."

At this I look at her. I start to feel annoyed with her comment. It looks like some parts of her will always remain the same. The same old Candor girl. She knows very well how much I loved her and how much I still do. I narrow my eyes and she realizes what a mistake she has done but I don't give her the chance to say anything as I just walk away from her.

* * *

I ended up here, in the place where I have spread her ashes. I can see the town and how beautiful it looks now that everything is in place and people are trying to improve. How much she would have liked this place now.

I am still afraid oh heights, but when I come here I can feel her presence, as if she is still with me. Which sounds odd.

But I can't help myself from feeling this way. Even after all these years.

We were meant for each other.

All that I'm going to say is "We'll meet _soon_, Tris."

That is a _promise_.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks a lot for the reviews. I really am glad you liked the one shots so far.

I have to say something though. The stories will sound different because they will happen in different times of Tobias life, so in some he may be a little younger, while in some he may be a little older (like the second one) and he may see his life slightly different.

I don't own anything, obviously.

* * *

3.

I am kind of sick of how some of the girls in our city have started to behave. I know that we don't wear cloths based on our factions - because they don't exist anymore - but for them to wear things - because they can't be called cloths - that cover just little skin make me feel, I don't know, strange, _disgusted_. How little pride do they have? How little do they think of them as they are like this? I wouldn't usually look at them but they seem to come like this only at night - well, some of them, others still are like this during day too - when I'm at the bar, drinking my beer.

"You know what, Four?" Zeke asks as he grabs his beer. It looks like he is already intoxicated a little. Well, of course he is, he doesn't come here almost every night to drink at least three beers. "If I would have seen these girls a few years back, when we were like what? Maybe seventeen, I would have thought that I was in heaven. But now, they just make want to..." he trails off as he thinks of a way to continue his sentence, but he doesn't. Maybe he really drank a little too much.

"I know the feeling." I say as I drink a little of my beer.

While I say this a woman approaches us. She's wearing a small tight skirt and a blouse just as tight that has a low cut neck - a way _too_ low cut neck for my liking. Her lips are too read and her eyes are too dark. She sure doesn't know how to do her make up.

"See anything that you like, _boys_?" she asks while she bends, enough to make us see what we shouldn't in normal circumstances.

Yes, I officially am _not_ going to drink out for the rest of my life.

"Actually, no." I say in a cold tone, hoping she is going to get away from here and go to some others. But she doesn't understand this. Actually, she maybe starts to think that this is a challenge because she takes a seat near me - enough for my arm to be squized by her chest. Zeke starts laughing in the background and all I can think about is how low this girl - woman is.

"Really now, _sweety_?" she asks in what she hopes to be a sweet, yet seductive voice.

I try to get away from her but it seems like everytime I do so, she comes near me. I really need to think of a way out and I really need my bestfriend to do something, instead of laughing.

"Rose, there you are!"

When the woman sitting next to me hears this, she looks at the other side and we see another woman, wearing cloths similar to her, making her way towards us. _Great_, another one. When the woman see me, she stops and a smirk appears on her face. "Look who we have here. Aren't you Four, Johanna's right hand?" she asks as she leans on the table the same way the other did. I just sigh but I don't say anything else. Maybe this way they'll get the hint and leave. But honestly, never in my life was I lucky, so of course I wasn't going to be today either. As the new girl eyes the one next to me, I understand that right now I am going to be a trophy that one of them is going to win. At least that is what those two think of me.

And looking from these two, all I can say is that I want to get away from them sooner that I wanted earlier.

* * *

"Pansycake, you're awesome! You were the reason a cat fight started. And I haven't seen one since our Initiation." he says as we make our way to our homes. I just roll my eyes at his comment. "In my whole twenty four years I haven't seen a cat fight like this, though. I gotta thank you for making me go out." he continues as he starts laughing more.

"You know what? You're a little too drunk and I don't think that Shauna will be happy about this." I say, hoping he'll remember that Shauna _did_ tell him not to drink too much. And not like I am afraid of her or anything, it's not me who is going to merry her in a few months, but still, I would like him to have both his legs by the time comes.

"Don't worry about her. She can't stay mad at me forever." he says grinning like an idiot.

It's these times that make me remind how our friendship has grown and how many obstacles it had. It's times like this that I am glad I have him as a friend, that we are in everything together.

And I am happy that his life is way better now than it was. I am glad that he has someone to care for him, to love him. At least one of us deserves it.

Thinking like this, maybe I did deserve to end up alone. After all, I didn't protect Uriah how I should have. Maybe because of this I am damed for my entire life to be alone, to not have someone to love me the way he has, to not be interested in any other girl.

* * *

As I enter my apartment, I don't undress or anything, I just enter my bedroom and make myself comfortable in my bed, on one side, as I look at the other and imagine Tris sitting there, smiling at me. I imagine her beautiful face, still a teenage girl, still little and insecure. I always wonder how much her beauty would have grown during these past years.

I just sigh as I let sleep come over me and drift to a wonderful world, a world where I can be with her.

"Goodnight, _Tris_."


	4. Chapter 4

** A/N**:

EDIT: I am so sorry for all my mistakes. I don't know what happened to me but I didn't re-read the chapter before I updated, and when I did after, it was all horrible. I am really sorry.

Hello there! It's me again! Missed me?

Here it is a new chapter/one shot, how you like to call it. As I have mentioned in the author note from the first one shot, these stories won't be in any order, I'll just write them as I come with different ideas. So this one takes place before the second one. Just mentioning this so you won't get confused. Anywaaaay, thank you a lot for your very kind words.

I am currently writing the new chapter for my main story but I lack of some ideas and I want it to be good, so it may take some time until I will update it. But I promise you that I am working on it.

* * *

4.

I walk into my office and throw the documents on the couch as I make my way to the desk. I sit down and lose my tie as I watch the scenery outside my window. There all I see is the new shade our city has made. A beautiful shade that makes me feel nostalgic about the way it was before - even if all it was was a lie. I sigh as I turn my attention to the papers on my desk, the papers that make me realize that I am someone important now, much more important than I was in Dauntless. I may become the new city leader in a few years - thought I'm not much into this idea. Evelyn - _mom_, hopes that I will become soon though, which in a way irritates me. Because it makes me feel worthless in the position I am now - like I am not important enough for her to acknowledge me as her son. Though I can see how she tries to become a better mother. But the most important years of her life with me never happened, so of course she wouldn't know how to act now.

"Don't be so harsh now, _Tobias_." I hear a sweet voice and soon, two hands start to massage my tense shoulders. Hands that are so little that at first side you would think they don't know what to do, but _I_ know. I start to relax in her embrace as she continues to do her job. It feels good to have her.

"I've _missed_ you." I say with my eyes closed and I can feel how she stopped for a few seconds. She moves her head near my ear and starts to blow hot air making me feel goosebumps. It may sound weird, but I _love_ this feeling. I can't get enough of it.

"Don't." is all she says after a long pause and I open my eyes to turn and look at her beautiful face. She hasn't changed even a bit. Her body even now looks so little and fragile and her face is as beautiful as I can remember. Her blonde hair is as short as it was the last time I've seen her and she is wearing some Dauntless clothes that I have never seen her wearing.

"Why?" I ask not breaking eye contact with her. I am afraid that if I look away, if I wink, she may disappear. She always does. One minute she is with me, the next one she is gone.

"Because you have a life and you need to _live_ it." she says as she reaches for my hand to hold it with both her hands. I look at our hands and I can't believe how small are hers in comparison with mine. I think about what she says and I can't stop myself from thinking that she was a true Abnegation and she still is. How can she want me to live my life even if it wouldn't be the same without her?

"I can't." I say after minutes of silence. "When you died you _took_ a part of me." I add as I hold my head high to look at her form, standing in the same spot as before. I grab her by her hand and make her sit on my lap. "You took the part of me that can love. Without that part I can never move on."

She reaches for my hair and starts to pat me. I let out a small sigh and let myself relax again, as I feel her little hand on my head. "You could have just taken the memory serum as you intended to." she says and I can sense sadness in her voice. It wasn't meant for me to sense it, but I know her too well. She continues to pat my head and I open my eyes to look at her bright ones that hide a hint of sadness.

"Who says I _want_ to move on?" I ask while I smile. She just watches me carefully. "It was just a moment of weakness. I prefer to never love somebody ever again, to be alone for the rest of my life, than to forget the one and only person who has_ loved_ me for who I was - who I still am." I close my eyes again and I can feel how tense she is, as if she wanted to say something, but didn't know where to start. Just when she took a small sip of air, making me understand that she has made her mind and that she knows what she wants to tell me, I hear a knock on the door.

When I open my eyes Tris is not here anymore and I am left alone in my empty office. I sigh as I turn my chair in the direction of the desk and say for the person who disturbed _us_ to enter. A few minutes later, Christina enters the office and eyes the room, expecting to see someone else with me. When her eyes reaches mine, she nods and fully enters the room.

"Sorry, but I thought I heard you speaking and..." she stops a little thinking of what she should add. "Well, I though you were with somebody here. A _girl_ maybe?" she shrugs as she watches me, thinking this will make me tell her something she doesn't know. I just shake my head, amused by her idea.

"Do you see anybody here?" I asks as I move my hands theatrically. She just looks at me to make sure that she doesn't skip a single thing. When she is done, she sighs, not glad that what she said wasn't true. "Anyway, what brigs you here?" I ask, this time serious. "I am pretty busy, as you can see."

"It's good to see you too, Four." she says through clenched teeth, as I know I have annoyed her. I smirk while I start singing some papers. "Jerk." I hear her add, and I am pretty sure it wasn't meant for me to hear it. "I just brought you this. Something from the hospital. I don't know what is it though and I didn't look at it as I know how annoyed you were the last time I checked." she says while she puts the envelope on my desk. I just nod my head and look at her.

Then we start talking for a while since we haven't done it in the last couple of weeks.

* * *

I sit on my couch while I sip some whiskey. Just in these past moths I have started to drink whiskey. The first time I heard about this kind of alcohol I thought it was for ones who don't usually like to drink, but when I started drinking it myself, I kind of got addicted to it. We didn't have whiskey in Chicago when we had factions. And I realize that my first impression was wrong as this is much stronger than beer.

I read over and over again my diagnostic and a small smirk makes his way on my face. A normal person wouldn't be happy to find out that he or she has brain cancer, but I am. That is when two small arms embrace me from behind and her sweet scent invades my nose.

"Why are you happy about it?" she asks me as she reads it too. "You should take some treatment."

"I _should_." I say as I throw the papers on the table. "But I _won't_." I add as I turn around and smash my lips on her.

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you liked it. And for those who didn't understand the idea, Tris is with Tobias because he has brain cancer which makes him picture her all the time. How did he get brain cancer? I haven't thought it... or maybe did I? Who knows... You'll have to wait for some other one shots to understand it and also to read my main story as it may be explained there. That is, of course, if you are interested to find out.

Anyway, hope you liked it and it would be wonderful if you would leave your thoughts about it. Have a nice day.


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